Lessons Learnt, Memories Made.

I haven't been blogging lately, not that anybody gives a shit about what goes on in my lfe really.
I have all this free time and I do nothing about it, the thing is I can but I sort of can't.

I want to bake but my utensils are all boxed up somewhere.

I want to make YouTube videos to pass the time but what do I talk about?

I try to talk about the serious stuff on my blog but I always end up deleting the whole post cos' it ends up looking like gibberish.

So now, I sit here drinking mango/apple juice from a shot glass as if it were alcohol writing this shit explaining myself to myself. What is there to explain anyway? I talk about serious stuff to my closest friends, things that involve my strong opinions, things that become arguments in which we end up agreeing or agreeing to disagree. They're also the people I share the funny stuff with and then there are the sadder stuff that I have no where to go with. That's when I come here, on this blog. Here is where I vent my angry, disappointments and depression. It's not like I want this to be a depressing blog, it's just become one. I could try and NOT make it one but that'll take time you know? Maybe I should create a new blog. I'm always on Tumblr anyways.

So maybe I'll do that.
Maybe, this, LiveJournal, is a goodbye post. It was good while it lasted but I guess this is like how some girls cut their hair for a new start.
Who knows maybe a YouTube video will come after this change? Maybe the "genius" buried down in my brain somewhere will emerge and be all "FUCK YOU! THIS IS HOW I FEEL!"

To say "I love you" is to muster up all the courage and confidence you have.
People don't love like they should anymore.
Some say they love one another when it's just mere lust.

To say "I love you" to someone is like having a dry throat and you're fighting this just to say the words.
To say "I love you", you have to mean it WHOLEHEARTEDLY!
To say "I love you" is to be sure that you will unconditionally.
To say "I love you" is to be 100%.
To say "I love you" is to be free of doubt.

I had the weirdest dream last night.
I'm not sure if it was good-weird or bad-weird.

The dream went something like this,
I was prepared to take a shower, obviously, I got naked.
Somehow, my shower room morphed into a glass room/box thing.
Outside was a man, he looked at me and told me to cover myself.
It was like I didn't know I wasn't wearing anything. I looked at myself and quickly scanned the room, there was nothing in the room. It was empty. The only thing inside it was my bare self.
More people gathered, staring at me. You could see the judgment in their eyes.
To make matters worse, they were all men.
All they could think of was sex, sex, sex or how ugly/imperfect I am.
They made comments, said the most hurtful things. Those words that are absolute ego busters.
Things like "I'd never fuck you, you make my eyes bleed" and then the kind of compliments you don't ever want to hear unless you're a glamour model/porn star (no offence).

I pride myself as strong, I take no shit from people, especially sexist men.
I yelled back, in attempt to boost my ego. No one could hear me, no one cared.
The man who told me to cover myself looked at me with pity in his eyes.
He couldn't do must. It would probably be like a baby elephant trying to stop a stampede.
I felt like crying. I was at my lowest. No matter how loud I shouted, my voice could not be heard.
No one would help me, no one was by my side to comfort me.
I was all alone, cold, and judged.

I could do nothing.
I sat down, looked at the crowd. When I tuned their voices out, all I could see was spit coming out of their mouths. I observed them. They looked like animals. Angry animals hungry for attention.
I stood up with my head held high, spread my arms as if they were wings, closed my eyes and looked up.
At that moment, all I could think of nothing but falling. What a wonderful feeling it was, to jump and fall without fear of being hurt or dying.
Then suddenly, the noise, it went away.
I opened my eyes and looked around to see no one there.
Nothing.

I was in the room all by myself.
I sat down, the man walked toward me from a distance,
he laid a blanket over my naked body and walked away without a word.

In a way, it taught me.
Although people are around to support me and give me comfort, at the end of the day, it's all me.
I have to support myself, comfort myself and give myself confidence.
Only I can make a difference in my life.
People may guide me through words and love and knowledge but only I can put it into action.
I cannot expect change, I must make it.

#neverforget is a twitter trend.
Recent events made me think of things that shouldn't be forgotten.
You know how when you're a kid and you get into a fight with your friend or sibling, your teacher or parent would tell you to just kiss and make up. They put it in three simple words "forgive and forget".

Simple words? Yes, they are.
Simple acts? No, not sincerely, not wholeheartedly are they both easily done.

You know how sometimes you forgive but never forget?
and then there are events you want to forget even though you forgive.
and it's worse when an act is said to be forgiven but you know in your heart that it's super hard to forgive.
You kindda do forgive but you kindda don't.
I don't know if I made sense there.

My tweets were:
#neverforget that you are the most important person in the world.
#neverforget to love yourself first and more.
#neverforget that being selfish is perfectly healthy (with a limit).
#neverforget to believe your instincts.
#neverforget that curiosity kills the cat.

How do you get rid of sappiness?
In certain situations, being softhearted is not the best thing.
In certain situations, it's best to walk away.
In certain situations, it's best to just leave it at that.
In certain situations, it's best to just stay silent.

"if it's not like the movies,
that's how it should be."

Most days I wonder when the wait is going to end.
Most days I wonder what'll happen when we meet again.
All the "what ifs".
Like what if we don't like each other?
Like what if it ends before we meet again?

Some days I feel like we might end sooner than I want us to.
Maybe that's why I feel the way that I do.
Maybe that's why I'm more scared than I say I am.
Maybe that's why there's so many "what ifs".

The distance between us, the countries that separate us.
Oh-so-young still yet oh-so-ambitious about something we know not of.
I think about you always, and by always I mean every second of everyday.

It feels as though I fell so hard for you,
but somehow I landed on a platform and I see you down there ready to catch me.
Willing to, but how long will you stand there waiting?
That makes me scared to jump into your arms.
Should I? Should I not?

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.
I feel you drift. I don't remember much because there isn't much we gave each other to hold.
I hope with all the faith I have that we'll meet sooner than later in good terms and that all will fall through.
whether or not that'll happen, only time will tell.

.

Smoke filled the air.
I was in a familiar place.
I've walked in these halls, I know these altars.
Incense lit as hopefuls prayed.
I wish I could read minds, hear the content of their prayers.
Were they selfish ones? Were they sad ones?

I often wonder why people pray.
People say God helps those who help themselves.
In other words, get up off the ground and make your prayers come true.
Do people go to temples, church, mosques and et cetera to find solitude?
Are these places of prayers for the hopeless looking for a place to put their faith in?

I sat down on a bench I've sat on before.
The old lady next to me selling lottery tickets looked hopeless.
I wondered what her life was like.
How hard is it actually for her to have to somehow beg for people to buy tickets?
I wonder where her family was and if they carry the same burden.
Is this her karma? Had she done something in this life or the one before that caused this to be her way of life?
At that point, I appreciated the life given to me.
I felt sorry for her. I wished I had brought my wallet so I could buy those tickets and somehow make her day.
I wondered  if she ever sat there praying someone would help her out.
I wondered if she ever sat there praying for a miracle.

People passed. Old man, young woman, little boy and his father.
Incense in hand, faith in heart. Some looked sad, some looked happy.
Were the sad ones there to find hope? Were the happy ones there to give thanks?

I see my mother.
She said "stay here, there's less smoke" as she walked out to pray on behalf of her family.
She walked out into the scorching sun, bought incense enough for all seven of us.
She walked the whole temple. No, it isn't those big ones.
She's done this for years but somehow, today was different.
She looked worried, she was one of the hopefuls.
My ignorant siblings. I could see in their expressions, they didn't want to be there.
My brother would've rather been sleeping, my sister found it a chore, the youngest still too young.
My poor mother, I bet she prayed her heart out for things to go right, for everything to be smooth.
She walked to us, gave us instructions.
I stood in front of the altar alongside my brothers and sister.
I held my hands, closed my eyes and put my head down.
I gave my name, age and location to a maybe God.
I prayed for nothing but for smooth sailing.
I prayed for less arguments and more laughter.
I prayed for a certain someone.
I prayed for my family.
I said to Her "I'm not demanding just giving you suggestions to consider."

I tend not to believe in a God but at the end of the day we all do.
I think if there is, then it's only one.
Religion is just full of crap.
I will lift my hands and bow my head in a church and/or temple because to me they're all the same.
Maybe God, maybe not.
But somehow when the going gets tough, we all want something to believe in.
Faith, hope, pixie dust.

As I walked out, my mother bought two candles shaped like lotus flowers.
Grabbed my two brothers inside to pray.
I guess and I probably am right, she prayed for forgiveness and peace between them.
I stood outside, wind began to blow and the smoke watered my eyes.
I heard birds chirping, those caged up only to be bought to be released.
I heard audio Chinese drama, I heard people chattering.
Caucasian man curious, Indian man praying. Something quite common on the island I call home.
Pregnant lady praying. Behind all that, my sister complaining.
I thought to myself: how lucky I am to have had experienced more family tradition than she had.
I thought how lucky I am to actually know of my own dying heritage.
Although my aunt said these bitter words out of spite days ago, I know she was right, our blood is so diluted.
We're so sheltered. Independence is something we probably won't be good at.

My brothers walked out.
One holding my mother's hand, the other three steps behind sulking.
He said something that made me snap and defend my mother.
It saddens me when I realize how much my parents sacrifice for the five of us.
It saddens me more when none of my siblings realize that life isn't always gonna be easy.

I'm turning eighteen. I haven't experienced much or made many mistakes to learn from.
But somehow, I understand. I feel and I know.
I just hope my siblings do too. If not today, maybe tomorrow.

Dear God,
Give my parents strength. Let them make the right decision and ease the tension between blood brothers.
My father who sweats and stress in order to put us through.
My mother who worries and woes in order to help us through.
Help my elder brother realize that he's now old and should start thinking maturely.
Aid my second brother, he's smart and has a big heart. Just too jealous and misunderstood, left out.
Teach my sister right from wrong. I had the better childhood even though she's more spoiled than I am.
My youngest brother, so young, so easily provoked. Help him understand that he can never be always right or always wrong.
In addition to those, give my Granny more positive thoughts. She's such a pessimist. She awaits death when she should embrace life.
Let Sugar be free of those who bother her. She does all she can and though youngest should be appreciated.
Last but not least, knock some sense into the Welsh. He's so young still. Don't let what he told me be reality.

Not all these you can do, I know that for sure.
But maybe, if tension eased so would life.

We talk about the future like we have a clue.
Talk about everything that we aren't 100% about, though we think we are.
White lies. Lies that won't hurt.
It'll bruise a lil' later but that doesn't matter for now.

Should I tell you what you mean to me?
Bare it all?

Somehow I'm more afraid of what ifs than I am of the now.
Too young really to be honest.
Am just so guarded.
Too afraid of mistakes but act too recklessly.

Some people don't plan that they'll lose someone,but I kindda do.
Maybe all this preparation is what'll drive you away.
I don't wanna wait for another life but all these negativity is starting to take a tol on me.
Time will tell I guess.

heart-wrenching, tear jerking.
Don't want you to be the one that goes away.
Please don't be the one that goes away.
But knowing me, I might be so scared, I'd go first.

Deep breaths. Going in head first.
Hopefully, we'll make it through.

.

 "sometimes the thing you most want doesn't happen
and sometimes the thing you never expect happens ...
You meet thousands of people and none of them really touch you
and then you meet that one person and your life is changed,
forever."

I know it isn't but in some way.
The way my brain puts it that is, Love and Other Drugs is like A Walk To Remember.
Except there's a hint of comedy, sex, a drug rep and most importantly, the girl didn't die. :)
Gotta love romantic comedies.